The perpetual war of all against all.

Was on the train thinking about the will to never give up, to fight every battle life throws at you with the energy of a supernova. Oh, and also about Goku.


Stopping is easy. But what can you draw out from the soul when death and failure are left holding hands with yesterday? Tomorrow.

Another 24hrs to fight, another day in a long line of days that you overcame when overcome. The slow drying cement that is time, ticks & tocks at your throat. The gaps between mock the air in the breath and reprieve.

Scream the landscape bare, shake the earth, and burn the atmosphere. Eradicate feeling and reduce all things to the sum of your war.

‘This is how winning is done’

By Alpha Cauwenbergh

© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Crying babies and writing

Random piece i wrote on the train home…I look forward to having my own little bundles of joy 😅

© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2018. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Poems about poems – Chris Brown & P.Diddy are my selected muses for today.

My favourite thing about writing these types of poems is not knowing what the poem is about until it’s finished. Because the creative process is not the typical one, of responding to a deep need to express something. With these, I here a song from my playlist, and feel something stir inside me. If the feeling in the pit of my stomach is strong enough, I select it to be squared2. Then watch as I start to express things i didn’t even know where residing within.


Yesterday I fell in love, today feels like my funeral.

The past can feel like the end, when isolated pain becomes communal.


I just got hit by a bus, shouldn’t have been so beautiful.

Your impact sprayed into rainbows, then soaked the desert full.


Don’t know why I gave my heart, gave my trust, gave everything.


You think if I had the chance to do it over again, I’d do something different? Make better decisions?

The beast I was before follows behind, close like a night terror only just escaped – the bed of indecision.


Give my all, you take it from me.

Take my all; you gave it to me,

Don’t even replace it for me.


But I keep making the same mistakes before – I see the danger but I go forward.

Repeated footsteps into the abyss, comfortable I’ve become to the darkness, my instincts a miss.


I feel like a killer hit me, the weapon was concealed initially.

Lover, assassin? The bullet thread to both, but at least love initially.


You deserve to feel it with me more.


I feel like I beg with you, plead with you,

My tears, a shallow drop in the Sahara.

I can’t comprehend how you can’t love when it’s so easy too.

Soft is the spirit that see’s the spaces between trying harder.


I thought you could do it, I believed in the naïve in you.

Little dress and footsteps towards me, disarming smiles that came from youth.


I just need to breathe, baby, now I got the freedom to.

First air of the saved, or last gasp of the failed? Love together and choose.


Yesterday I fell in love.


By Alpha Cauwenbrgh < Chris Brown/P. Diddy


© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2018. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

‘Random’ Late Night Poetry

This is a very peculiar poem. It came to me suddenly, while half asleep and trying to instagram without letting my phone fall onto my face. Sometimes I really feel that we don’t consciously create art, it just rises to the surface through from a deep uncharted place within. I’m still not sure what this poem actually means…Usually in these cases, it’s meaning is slowly uncovered by my conscious mind day by day.

I resisted the temptation to re-write or ‘improve’ it. Just kept it exactly how it came to me. Enjoy!

The Man Who Couldn’t Do Right.

Here he stood, on a cold pavement thinking of the love left.

Seeing shadows navigate the streets under the colour of magma – the dance of the bereft.

He walked for miles & miles, right foot before left.

Eventually his strides slowed, there was a fork in the road and a church in the middle – love snowed.

Everything was to his right, he went left.

By Alpha Cauwenbergh

© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2017. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Top 50 Greatest Hero Moments in Anime: 10-1


FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO…Is how I wanted to start this post, but that excellent man has nothing to do with anime. Sooooo I’ll start with, Sorry for the long delay guys and girls, but I heard rumours a few months ago that the twitterverse was in a frenzy because apparently someone had a new transformation on Dragon Ball Super. This obviously meant that any typing of anime related things into YouTube would plunge one into that disgusting spoiler filled cesspool known as ‘suggested videos’. But now that I’ve finally watched that triumphant episode, I can continue in nerdy bliss, my fingers feel free like Mandela!

For this top 10 I decided that a Gif alone isn’t sufficient, so I’ve added a YouTube video link for extra sexcellence.

Link to the beginning of the list! From No.50

(Special mention) One Piece, Punk Hazard Arc – Because it was originally in the top 10 before THAT episode of DB Super.

Trafalgar Law Sword Slash Against Full Haki Vergo (4,4,5,5,3,4) = 25

How can you slash a man into a yoga pose?! #levels


Law vs Vergo

ITPO= 4, Defeating Vergo, an important lacky of Doflomingo, was a big deal. Not only did it show Doflomingo that Law wasn’t just about sideburns and surgery, but also that whatever he was planning, it was SERIOUS, and he had the skills to follow it through to the end. Although he did destroy the factory, it was really only the first move in a much larger chess game of doom.

ITCD= 4, Like I said, this showed what kind of biceps Law was really working with. Before this point you assumed he was strong because he was a war lord. However, he never looked very powerful in the fights/scuffles he had in this Arc thus far. But then he slices Vergo and all his ancestors in half with one sword swing?! This, after the show builds up the strength disparity between the two, and shows us full body haki for the first time. Like Drake said, after this -Nothing was the same. I guess recovering ones heart does A LOT.

Emotiveness = 5, It’s unlikely to see many HM not score full marks on this in the top ten. I loved Trafalgar Law’s character before this moment, but after this I wanted to splice him with Ronaldo, and make hairy samurai football surgeons to call my own.


Animation = 3, Nothing special to report here, just a solid display of one being cut in half.

EOVMS = 4, This brilliant act of defiance sent shock waves through the criminal underground, and definitely got Doflomingo’s attention. So much so, that he RAN a transatlantic distance across the sea\air to confront Law. However we didn’t really see the full effects of this move until much later in the saga.


10 – One Piece, Dressrosa/Bird Cage Arc

Zoro’s Billion Fold World Technique vs Pika ( 4,5,5,4,3,4) = 25


Zoro’s Epic New Sword Slash

ITPO= 4, Narrowly misses out on scoring full points because this opponent although one of Doflomingos go too guys, was not very strong in the grand scheme of things, and if Zoro didn’t beat him, Luffy would have calmly erased him from the manga.

ITCD= 5, Zoro had teased us longer than a Las Vegas stripper with knee problems about his Haki abilities. But then, in literally a ‘billion’ moves he showed the true power of his ‘colour of arms’ – SPECTACULAR. Something that, adds further fuel to the speculation that he could be stronger than Luffy.

Emotiveness = 5, I’ve been a Zoro fan boy for the longest, and like how many Arsenal fans are closet Tottenham fans, I’ve been conflicted for a day and age about who I prefer between him and Luffy…Safe to say, that me running around my front room screaming ZORO at 1am is no understatement.

Badassness= 4, Flew through the air, in a full wedding suit to slice a mountain sized statue man with the realist shoulder pads into pieces. Using only three swords rotating at the speed of death.

Animation= 3, Good enough to get the job done, would of liked better, although maybe the opponent didn’t warrant such lavishness.

EOVMS= 4, It was the first time Pika realised that he was facing the baddest of the bad. He became very fearful without losing his belief in his chances of victory – idiot.


9 – Bleach, Soul Society Arc

Ichigo Using Bankai For The First Time (4,5,5,4.5,3.5,3) =25

After this…I went out clubbing, and almost got forcibly ejected from the venue for repeatedly screaming BANKAI in the cloakroom queue. JUST LOOK AT HIM – Black clothed excellence.

Ichigo Bankai

ITPO= 4, Without this new level of zanpakuto release Ichigo would not have been able to prevent Rukia’s execution, however, there is a hint throughout the arc that other captains weren’t completely on board with the execution and may have intervened at the very last-minute.  

ITCD= 5, Any new ‘transformation’ is always important to a character’s development, especially one that places him at the table of the soul reaper elite. Not to mention also begins to further stimulate his hollow powers. The show simply couldn’t continue without it.

Emotiveness = 5, I’m sure no matter you favourite character, this moment would have tingled you to your core. As Ichigo at this point was my whole life – literally was in a relationship with on Facebook – I almost had a cardiac arrest.

Badassness = 4.5, The fact that he 1. had no right to wield such power, imagine a substitute teacher with the power to make you repeat the year. 2. had a bankai that was the complete opposite in stature to every other bankai seen thus far, like that one guy with the ipod nano among ipod classics. And 3. name this power Piercer of Heaven?!

Animation = 3.5, well choreographed, with the power up almost palpable. But not the bank busting animated scribbles of love one would wish for.

EOVMS = 3, Byakuya was startled briefly, but his composure is rated at 20/20 on football manager for a reason. Never letting this outrageous moment of protagonist insolence overwhelm him, he kept battling on with more and more determination and hilariously dismissive comments.


8 – Dragon Ball Super, Tournament of Power.

Ultra Instinct Goku (4.5, 5, 5, 4.5, 5,1) = 25

It’s too late in the night, and my stamina bar is too low for me to describe, the full effect this look had on my neurological pathways…Lets just say that I saw the face of God, and his eyes were silver.


Ultra Instinct Goku

ITPO= 4.5, THE ONLY reason this doesn’t get an omnipotent 5, is because the transformation was too short-lived to do what it appeared to be undoubtedly capable of – concluding this tournament.

ITCD= 5, I’m not going to insult anyone’s intelligence by explaining this.

Emotiveness = 5, ULTRA INSTINCT FFS

Badassness = 4.5, The plethora of nerdgasmic questions this transformation spewed out, is the only reason why; being sucked into a spirit bomb black hole, returning with your back to the world, silver eyes and unlimited instincts, doesn’t score full marks.

Animation = 5, DID YOU SEE THE EPISODE?!!

EOVMS = 1, Jiren, that grey, alien, four limbed mountain of fast twitch muscle fibres was unmoved…HOW SWAY?!


7 – Dragon Ball Super, Universe 6 vs Universe 7 tournament.

Goku SS Blue + Kaioken x 10 (3,4,4.5,4,5,4) = 25.5

WHAT A THROWBACK to 90’s rhythm and beatings.


SS Blue & Kaio Ken x 10!

ITPO= 3, Simply put this amazing and unexpected power boost didn’t beat Hit, for like Goku, he also became stronger during the fight. The fight ended in a suspicious draw…Not to mention there is a theory that he didn’t actually need to go x10, he seemed to have the advantage at normal kaio ken, and only did it as a courtesy to another amazing fighter.

ITCD= 4, An important moment, as it showed the knock on effects that mastering the calmness of mind required for SS Blue can bring. Opening up a slightly different avenue for goku’s progression. Which at this point in the Dragonball series, is very much-needed. Not to mention it finally explained why kiao ken was abandoned after goku obtained SS.

Emotiveness = 4.5, The first moment in DB Super of DBZ level excitement and awe! the series was already very good before this, but this HM just to let the world know that the GOAT was back like Jordan, wearin’ the 4-5, it ain’t to play games with you It’s to aim at you, probably maim you, If I owe you I’m blowin’ you to smithereens C********, take one for your team! And I need you to remember one thing, I came, I saw, I conquered.

Badassness = 4, The life threatening way goku uses Kaioken is forever baddass, but combining it with the mental tranquility of SS Blue made the form more controllable. therefore, for me losing a smidgen of its mortal edge.

Animation = 5, world class animation from beginning to end, especially for DB Super. watch the link if you doubt!

EOVMS = 4, Hit was flabbergasted during this eye watering encounter with the RED BLUE FIST OF JUSTICE! Goku completely over came Hit’s time skip, but yet like the 1000 year old heat tempered blade he is,  he didn’t lose the will to fight and eventually got a draw out of it. MY MAN.


6 – Bleach, Final Battle vs Aizen.

The final Getsuga (4.5,4,5,4,4,4) = 25.5

One of the many moments during this fight that i almost turned off my computer from the mains. Words fail me.



ITPO= 4.5, I still can’t believe that this mind numbingly spurbe form of black excellence, wasn’t enough to defeat Aizen! One of the many little flaws that I think plagued the show towards the end. And so, because of this bae can’t get the full 5 marks.

ITCD= 4, An obvious high score if ever there was one, the ultimate personification of being unified with one’s zanpakuto. Not just that, but Ichigo had to develop a whole new understanding of his own soul reaper powers, and an appreciation for the motivations of his Zanpakuto – The physical manifestations of his spiritual power. However, later we discover that his development is still far from complete. not to mention this power can never be used again.

Emotiveness= 5, Do you know what kind of delightful foolishness you have to see on your screen to want to risk life and hard drive by switching off your computer from the mains? The becoming getsuga itself kind.

Badassness= 4, Becoming the special attack you’ve been using for 200 odd episodes, is just a special kind of vengeful sword wielding samurai badass. Not to mention sacrificing the very powers used to obtained said vengeance. However, doesn’t stray into the realm of moral grey, or life sacrifice.

Animation = 4, Simply put, excellent, but not the best I’ve seen on the show. But perhaps i can’t trust my opinion, as at the time of first viewing this, the episode was doing such a number on my cerebrum that i was not fit to use my own eyeballs. Too much sauce. Lost in it. Straight drowning in it.

EOVMS= 4, Aizen, being Aizen will never not believe he can’t win. His god complex is just too robust to the life and times of Kurosaki ichigo. However, he was probably just two easter sunday slaps away from a complete meltdown.


5– Attack on Titan, Season 2

Eren Controlling Titans With His Mind (5,4.5,4,4,4,4) = 25.5



ITPO= 5, This was a complete game changer, the story of Eren and the rest of humanity completely changed in this instant. To now be able to control the very source of humanity’s woes! Insane, like Hilary discovering during the elections that she could telepathically control every member of Trumps family. I will say that, it is unclear exactly how this will affect the future of the show. However, it’s certain that without this ability manifesting itself, every member of the Erens party would of died that day.

ITCD= 4.5, Putting aside the monumental nature of this new skill acquisition, it is clear from the way the story has been written thus far, that there will be further developments and twists to both plot and character. Therefore, there are too many potential variables to be able to completely gauge to true extent of this power. For all we know it may only last as long as Mario’s star invincibility.

Emotiveness = 4, What really worked so well for this HM, was that i feel genuine affection for Mikasa and Eren’s relationship, not to mention the excellent way the series portrays his mortal hatred for the titans, and the constant sense of hopeless dread. Meaning that when it decides to pull on the heart-strings in vintage hollywood style for the sake of an awesome protagonist underdog payoff, it works triumphantly, like a Hawk Eye gold medal at a marvel olympic games.

Badassness = 4, Have you ever known mind controlling Titans to not be baddass? Neither have I. But the most badass? that’s probably a bit of a stretch – of the arm lol. No? never mind.

Animation = 4, This show has such high animation standards, that it’s sometimes hard to be wowed – yet still very nicely executed. A bit Like your fourth KFC of the week.

EOVMS = 4, There are several villains introduced to us in season two. The immediate ones from this particular episode were definitely thrown by this new development, one even stating that ‘The Key’ had been given to the worst possible person. Although the larger threat – the talking orangutan, is not around for us to see what he thinks of Eren tossing Titans at other titans like possessed hotdogs from hell.


4 – DBZ, Future Trunks Arc

Trunks Owning Mecha Frieza – ( 4,4,4,5,4,5) = 26

The only jacket I wanted more than the MJ’s thriller jacket!

Trunks Kills Mecha Frieza

ITPO= 4, This only misses out of full marks because after Future Trunks finished wiping his ass with Frieza & King Cold, we found out that Goku was just around the ‘corner’ waiting to lay the smack down if needed.

ITCD= 4, For sure this is the most we’ve ever learned about a character in one episode! We learn his name, where he came from, who his parents are, how strong he is and his fighting style! In a show where a new character can be sat with their eyes closed, barely breathing for 5 episodes, this was basically a DBZ christmas special. Fully spoiled.

Emotiveness= 4, Maybe the greatest introduction to a new protagonist in Anime history! I literally was trying to think of legal ways to enter my 6th form prom night like that. But, obviously not having that previous connection to the character, held it back from turning my brain into shish-kabab.

Badassness= 5, A Time travelling Super Saiyan with a sword, capable of killing Robocop frieza and his dad the flu. LEAVE IT OUT.

Animation= 4, Excellent in parts, especially because we’ve never seen a Saiyan fight like that, but then falls victim to that random DBZ thing of a random loss of funding midway through an episode.

EOVMS = 5, Frieza is not the most stable of individuals infront of any Saiyan ever since Goku gave him PTSD, but speed and efficiency at which Trunks broke him mentally before his death was beautiful.


3– Naruto, Chunin Exams Saga

Rock Lee 5th Gate Barrage vs Gara (4.5,5,5,4.5,5,2) = 26

The most soul quenching, and life affirming twenty-three minutes of my life! This episode was when I discovered that Rock Lee lived like Goku & Cristiano Ronaldo fused into one. Even non anime loving heathens, could appreciate the glory in this eyebrow filled spectacle of want and resolve. The 5th gate was opened.


Rock Lee Final Barrage vs. Gara

ITPO= 4.5 This Superbowl level hail mary wasn’t able to conclusively end the fight, because of Gara’s ability to control sand, even when he no longer had the physical strength to continue battle. Which btw is totally unfair! If not for Lee’s inability to withstand the burden of opening the 5th gate, he would have definitely won this fight. #bitter

ITCD= 5, It wasn’t just the mere fact that we saw a new power up, that expanded your concept of what this character was capable of today and in the tomorrows to come. But also, that we were given an explanation of the level of self-sacrifice it took for the character to achieve these taijutsu abilities. The execution of this HM was so well delivered that we also learned more about the depth of his relationship with his sensei.

Emotiveness = 5, The sole reason I went to the gym on thursday 11th 2006.

Badassness= 4.5, Rock Lee is a certified G. But his purity of heart and intentions, take just that little bit away from full renegade status.

Animation= 5, This was another one of those episodes where Naruto flexes its muscles as the best animated tv show of its generation. When it comes to fight scenes and choreography, I have to agree. Masterful.

EOVMS =2, Gara’s protective sand didn’t just shield him from most physical attacks, it also gave him an arrogance and psychological shield from hopelessness. Add his blood lust on top of that and you can see why – despite his surprise at Lee’s strength he maintained his focus of Lee’s death.


2. Dragon Ball Z, Cell Games Arc

Gohan SSJ 2 vs Perfect Cell (5,5,5,3,4,4) = 26

The moment Gohan became everyone’s favourite character! Ghad, when he snatched the senzu beans out of Cell’s hands in a blur of high-speed disrespect, I actually felt my stomach clench, like in the anticipation of falling. He looked so beautifully enraged and drenched in purposeful power. His slow march towards Cell, clad in the blue electricity of a God, will be forever etched into my mind. SSJ 2 Teen Gohan was the pinnacle of a 185 episode long character arc, executed to perfection.


ITPO= 5, Could it be anything else? Without this transformation, the world would of been lost. The son of the father stepped up and put an end to the perfect creation.

ITCD= 5, Like I said, this was the culmination of 185 episodes worth of character development. And when you learn that DBZ was originally written to end here, you really appreciate what Akira was trying to do with the character and the series as a whole. All those moments of rage induced power ups against foes infinitely more powerful than him – were leading to this. The baton was passed, and it was everything I could hope for.

Emotiveness= 5


Badassness= 3, This was hard to score, coz yes – he looked like the bringer of justice & vengeance, yet he was a saiyan in torn namekian clothes, he killed Cell with a one handed kamehameha ffs. BUT this transformation wasn’t life threatening in any way, and although his power up incredible, it wasn’t beyond the realm of expectation for an angry Gohan. And lastly, his actions although brutal and efficient, didn’t cross any moral lines.

Animation= 4, Misses out on that necessary 5 because of some weird production choice of flipping back and forth from two different animation styles – one cheap as F*** and the other A1 excellence.

EOVMS= 4, Like most Villains of Arc defining quality he was able to regain his composure after throwing an episode long b**** fit! who can blame him GOHAN WAS KILLING CELL JRS IN ONE HIT!


1. Dragon Ball Z, Frieza Saga

Goku SSJ 1 for the first time (5,5,5,4,4,4) = 27

No matter how you feel about this list, no one can deny the historical and cultural impact of this moment in the Dragonball franchise. And the fact that it’s No.1, although not even in my top 10 favourite anime moments, shows 1. the stiffness of competition, and 2. that I succeed in my mission to create an objective scoring system. Now let us enjoy delving into why every teenage boy in the 90’s was screaming in their bedroom topless.


ITPO= 5, As obvious as obvious can be, the ultimate legendary form of the Super Saiyan not seen for 1000 years! (so the legend goes) and solely due to this transformation, was he able to ‘defeat’ Frieza his greatest ever foe and survive the EVENTUAL explosion of planet Namek.

ITCD = 5, If I could, I would give this a 6! Now admittedly this form benefits from its age, and the subsequent developments that have stemmed over the last 10 years creating a character arc that few other shows can revival. This form was like the first time a blind child saw colour – a blind child who was later to gain x-ray vision. SSJ 1 was the foundations for everything.

Emotiveness = 5, To this day, it still gives me goose bumps, my only wish is that i was able to see this moment from a perspective of ignorant bliss, that would of probably changed my religion.

Badassness = 4, For many of the reasons stated before in HM that didn’t achieve the full score, this didn’t either. Even in this legendary form of a race of warriors, Goku still wasn’t cold-hearted/badass enough to kill Frieza – he even gave him some of his energy! SMH

Animation = 4, Very good for DBZ standard, but beyond the initial transformation, it didn’t feel or look like anything out of the ordinary was done to create a visual experience that would add to the moments epicness.

EOVMS= 4, Like I’ve said countless times, the top warriors don’t fold like envelops at christmas. However, even a tyrant such as Frieza couldn’t escape the worry and strife of witnessing a race he tried to extinguish finally achieve the power he feared most. Even though he continued the battle with belief and bravado, Frieza was permanently mentally scarred by his encounter and defeat to  KAKAROT THE SUPER SAIYAN.


Thank you everyone for your time, it was an emotional journey frought with danger and personal sacrifice, but all the best ones are. Live long and prosper.

© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Hell, An Ex Girlfriend & An iphone – Part Two

Part One: A Short Story about hell, an ex girlfriend and an iphone

Part Two.

-“Hit you…? Is that what you told your posh friends from Wimbledon?? The scary black man hit me?” She stayed silent and still in her previous expression, like a frozen image on a computer screen. “Not gonna lie Clo, a part of me wishes I did, I’m not proud of my actions that day, but what you did was unforgivable.” Her lips moved into life.

-“And yet here you are, literally followin’ me into hell, just to talk to me. So you’ve forgiven me now then, yeah?” I took a second to think about that…I realised quickly that I had. Putting aside her petty, remorselessly devious behaviour that day, and the weeks building up to it, all the failings in our relationship that I attributed to her; emotional blackmail, reducing me to just the colour of my skin, and stifling important parts of my personality – to the point of subconscious resentment and loss of love (if I ever was in the first place), were failings I transferred onto myself. All in the form of, ‘I should of known better’. So, what am I still mad about? What do I want her to gain from this exchange of bitter words? In the end, nothing. I had forgiven her, but just not myself for starting a relationship in such a naïve way. I mean what 20-year-old becomes ‘official’ with a girl after one date?! And on top of that, does it for the sole purpose of getting over somebody else?? Then perpetuates that lack of foresight throughout with constant self-degenerative comprise. I was mad at myself for selecting someone so wrong for me in the first place, and since, have had a burning desire to maintain a friendship that would make that decision seem less disastrous. Let her go Alpha, whatever mental ailments she has, that make her carry an inexplicable hatred for 10 years are irrelevant to you now. Especially now that your dead. Don’t keep self harming into the afterlife.

A cold weight of regret lifted from me, like removing a jumper heavy from the winters rain. In my unburdened state, I walked into a warm house of feeling. In there I recalled the first time I saw her. I was late arriving at our usual Friday nightspot – Wetherspoons Fulham Broadway. On my way there, or perhaps while I was still at home, ironing my ‘going out’ T-shirt to the sound of Fergie, Fergalicious – Chris calls me, and tells me that there’s this girl here that is completely my type. He sounded so excited to show her to me, I still remember imagining him standing outside the entrance, shielding his ears from the music as he spoke into his phone. I didn’t go out as often as him so maybe he was trying to convince me to come…It worked, I came and when I arrived, I exchanged pleasantries with our friendly neighbourhood 7 foot bouncer. While scanning the venue for Chris, I immediately saw you, he didn’t even have to point you out. I saw what he meant in the brief seconds it took you to ‘drop it low’ and ‘work it’ in those baggy jeans and the white contour hugging vest top. Your face unremarkable, but your moves fire, other girls can move, but you were dropping b-boy level foot footwork too. Already the dance floor was succumbing to your groove – it was like watching myself from the outside in. You were the perfect blend of tomboyish style, and feminine wiles. I knew that I had to dance with you, all the guys watching you – scared of you, were brushed aside as I approached you, and with the confidence of knowing the desires of a dancer, I moved myself into your groove.

I truly lovely memory, but the smile on my face didn’t last too long. Like the rest of our relationship, the other side of this coin was blacked with dirt and rust. It dawned on me that this, in fact was the when you showed the first sign of your controlling nature. Even during your first dance with a complete stranger, you weren’t satisfied with the height at which he was grinding. So, instead of playing it off naturally or slowly trying to mutually adjust until perfectly synced like lock and key. I remember you literally slapping my thighs to get me to go lower, like I was non compliant cattle. A small thing in the light of everything else I know, but so is the tip of an iceberg that pokes out from the ocean. Anyway, it’s done.

-“Yes, I have forgiven you, because there was nothing to forgive. You’re you, and I’m me, and that always has been the truth of everything. I’m finally finished with your ghost.”

-“What the f*** are you talkin’ about?!” I didn’t even acknowledge her aggressive tone, I turned away and instinctively looked at my phone. A notification popped up saying ‘Days of future past cleared’ as I slide my thumb across my screen, I could still hear her shout shallow bitterness into the air; a broken record, the blunt instrument of a nihilist. She’s still trying to control my feelings.

“You’re nothin! When I met you, you were at uni, going places, now you’re unemployed!

“I have to pay your phone bills for you!”

“You used to be fitter!”

“You used to be faster!”
“Lance played better than you!”
“You’re not the best sex I’ve ever had anymore!”

As her voice faded away into the empty abyss of a soundless night, a phrase came to mind – ‘if a tree falls, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?’ The room – her bedroom, disappeared, revealing the grey of hell, the daemon’s tail and George…(I think, my guardian angel), and his diamond dust smile. The sight of which, brings me further into the deeps of a peaceful ocean. But we’re not alone, I can’t forget the shark that lurks beneath – Nusodar. “Of the Regrets” George said, as the creature stood only meters away grimacing. I felt frost on my skin just looking at it, its skin was the texture of plucked goose-flesh. Its eyes; a washed black, pulsing red veins of one sleep deprived, and large puss coloured pupils. Nusodar appeared contagious… I shudder to think what level of sickness can affect even a being from this place?

Yet, somehow it had grown in stature since I last saw it, walking more upright, an element of freedom to it’s strides, imposing a terrifying weight onto the stone surface with each purposeful step. Could it be more alive now? Like a predator sensing proximity to its prey. “Alpha, what are you waiting for? Si tu attends trop longtempts, il va vraiment te bouffer? You don’t want that, he has horrible eating habits.”

-“I thought it was here to bring me to the town with the horrific screaming voices?” I said with a mischievous tone.

-“And who says it can’t eat you first…? They’re screaming for a reason Alpha” he replied with parental impatience. My little well dressed angel didn’t need to repeat himself. I took out my phone, unlocked it and selected the second box from within the app, all with the swiftness of a cowboys quick draw. Three choices appeared – Alpha, Beta or Gamma? Part of me was surprised to read those words, another deeper more insidious part, wasn’t. Without hesitation, I let the later select the next trial. A new door appeared before us, identical to the last in every way except one – the scorched words on its surface.

The Arc Is Lifespan.

Confined By ‘The Ends’- Dreams Dead.

Loose Arrow From Bow.


To be continued…


By Alpha Cauwenbergh

© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A Short Story about hell, an ex girlfriend and an iphone

In Hell With My Ex – But There’s An App  For That

Part One.


Sometimes, there’s nothing left but the pain.


I think I died yesterday, I’m not sure…but I remember this sharp sting at the back of my neck, and the voice of someone I knew. However, what I did know was that where I was once I opened my eyes wasn’t home. This new place was different to what I imagined…the air felt empty, in that there wasn’t any…no fire or brimstone. I think this is what the vacuum of space feels like. The landscape was vast – as far as my eye could see. Although, there was only land in front of me…the beaten road of black stone I stood on, and the eerie looking town or village at the end of its kilometer stretch. From what I could make out from this distance, its skyline was like that of every ghost town ever conceived for television. Either side of that, just empty grey…like an incomplete thought of a tired mind. I believe it to be night…but can’t be sure, it’s not a sky I recognize. Just more strange tones of blandness with blemishes of black seeping through.


I’ve been standing here aimlessly in what I’m assuming was on my body when whatever it was killed me. Black shoes, my favourite pair of slim fit blue jeans, singlet, and a white shirt only half tucked in, full of the creases of the unloved and homeless – as my mum would say to me growing up. I’d guess ten minutes passed without me moving an inch, not so sure what I’m scared of…probably that this isn’t heaven, and I’d have to confront the idea that I’m not the ‘good’ person I believe I am…was. Maybe I should have given my local vagabond some more of my loose change, I didn’t need it. No, he’d just of used it to buy more alcohol or cigarettes, if he was really even homeless…’Shhh that’s the kind of thinking that probably got you down here – idiot’.


Eventually, I calmed my active mind enough to formulate the necessary motor skills to walk forward. To where I could feel, I deserved to be. It was only after a few hundred meters of the loneliest stroll my mortal self could never of conceived, that I heard it. A sound that made my stomach clench violently, like trying to vomit when you’re already empty. It was beyond anything I’d heard before, I can only describe it as the collective, elongated screams of the people you love. But, I didn’t know these voices…yet it felt like hearing them be hacked to death in front of me. I couldn’t walk anymore, the sound was crippling, I felt blood trickle from my ear canal – It felled me to my knees. Adrenaline was rushing through my body as I cried the saddest tears I didn’t understand. This just kept going on and on, I realised that it wouldn’t stop and begged my heart to give up.


Sometimes, there’s nothing left but pain.


-“ Bonjour Monsieur” – I felt a small hand touch mine. It was warm and soft like a child’s. It told me to stand up and suddenly I could. I turned to look at this person, and was taken struck by the design of his features, he spoke again, telling me his name in a light jovial voice that muted the noise and the pain. “ Je m’appelle George”. George was about 5ft 5 in height, and black hair styled into what a child who stole his father’s hair gel, might think was a smart adult look. Although dressed in a sophisticated, fitted, light grey tweed blazer, and trousers to match. The bright yellow V-neck jumper of home crafted patterns, lowered his tone, to one matching the hopeful smile on his special face. His cumbersome, faded brown brief case was tightly gripped in the hand not touching mine. Both it, and the presidential blue tie resting securely on his clean white shirt, did a lot to balance his appearance. Half child looking for play at nursery, half concerned passer-by in between office meetings. His face, were most of my attention kept returning – was clearly that of someone with downs syndrome; the scrunched up features, cheeks coloured red with mischief, and the A typical thick neck of an Olympic wrestler.


He helped me to my feet, I went to brush myself clean, but there was no evidence I’d been laying in fetal position on the stone road. As I wondered briefly, about how many other souls had walked this path before me, I all but forgot the gut wrenching pain I was just in. The grinning stranger just kept looking at me like I was a lost puppy he’d found in the park.


-“Who are you?” I asked him calmly, while fighting this peculiar compulsion to hug him tightly.

-“My name is George, and I’m an angel.” Intuitively, I knew this to be true.

-“ You speak English?”

-“Yes, we speak all the languages of your earth.” He spoke those words without a tone or mannerism that would imply the diminished faculties I would expect. “I personally prefer French, but you don’t think your French is as good as it used to be.” I just nodded obediently without picking up the real meaning of his words. He continued, “You are in hell but only at the start, the spirits down here call it the demon’s tail. The pain you were hearing and feeling was the voices of all the people you’ve hurt, other’s experience different things on the demon’s tail, but guilt is your ‘self harm’. I didn’t know how to respond, his insights were swift and cutting like a blade. He reminded me of the voice in my head that finds me in the night. The one that’s become a bedtime story of wants and hurts.

-“What’s that town at the end of the road” I asked to avoid thinking anymore about the home and life I’d lost.

-“Nowhere you want to be Alpha, but somewhere Nusodar of The Regrets wants to take you.”


-“Him.” George said pointing away from the stone path to a pale-headed figure in all black. It had the stature of a man, but even from the fifty-meter distance it was currently at, the lazy, struggle-ridden movements towards us, felt simultaneously inhuman yet palpably depressed. His approach ominous; fear, and wanting salvation soaked my bones. I hadn’t felt anything like it, since the long car journey’s home from terrible parents evenings with my father.


Sometimes there’s nothing left but pain.


“Don’t worry yet.” He said sympathetically, before passing me my iPhone.

-“How’s this going to help?” I whisper, as my spirit deflated into thoughts of what’s to come.

-“Do you want to get out of here?” I didn’t respond…I knew the answer I wanted to give, but for some reason it felt lodged in my throat. “You have to say it or I can’t help you.” As he spoke those words his expression changed, no longer was it one pleased to see me. I felt the weight of this moment press me, and I forced the word out uncomfortably.


-“Good, because there’s an app for that” the happiness returning to his face like the beaming rush of the amused. “Open the app called ‘Tri-force’”, I did. “You’ll see that there are three boxes, each represents the three stages of ascent from hell. Tap on the first one.” As I followed George’s instructions, I couldn’t help but notice that the one he called Nusodar, was still ambling towards me. At this closer distance, I could see the unnerving expression on its hairless and deeply wrinkled face. There was sorrow and hardship clung to it like the ancient guilt of a retired executioner. My pulse rate speed up as my hands started to sweat, but I trusted George like a dear friend from childhood, so I focused on his gentle voice. “You see, now you have three choices.” He said, as we both stared intently at the phone in my hand.

-“I don’t understand, what does ‘X past, present or future’ mean?”

-“It means my little friend, that your first trial is to choose who you want to confront. An ex girlfriend from your past, present of future?”

-“Future? I’m pretty sure I’m dead.”

-“There are many possible paths, and this, your death – is just one, selecting that box will allow you to experience one of them.” George said casually, as if they were the rules some popular child’s game.

-“What about that thing in black coming for me?”

-“Alpha, don’t worry George is here, plus when you’re in the trial, Nusodar of The Regrets can’t interfere.”

-“Do you have to say that whole title every time?”

-”Definitely, it really doesn’t like abbreviations.” The idea that this foreboding entity could be in an even worse mood, than his current expression and posture suggested, was terrifying. So, I started thinking on my choices. My heart began beating to the rhythm of my lost loves, pounding to the feel of the woman I left in death, and resonating the warmth of experiences reserved for my un-lived mortal selves. I knew who I wanted to see…

-“I’ve decided”

-“Excellent, tap your choice and enter the door that will appear.” I did, and instantly a large oak wood door materialized. It had these words scorched into it,


‘The After Life is,

Kinematics & Cessation

This, is After Life.’


They sounded very familiar, but aware as I was of how close the colourless thing in black was getting; I didn’t dwell on it, simply just turned the cold metallic doorknob and walked into a dimly lit room I recognized instantly. There she was.


Sometimes, there’s nothing left but pain.


-“What do you want Alpha?” Her voice stated, as she stood with her back to me. She posed stubbornly beside the computer that faced the window. She was wearing her cherished baggy blue hoodie, the one from her first dance group –‘Boy Blue’. The jeans she wore continued her infamous loose fitting style, with those almost comically small feet poking out from beneath the enveloping boot cuts. I’d forgotten just how short she was.

-“I Just want to talk to you Clo.” I said more timidly than intended. Maybe I was still taken aback by the feeling of being in her bedroom of her parent’s house again. The doubled bed where we watched endless episodes of friends, the home PC where I would copy the latest magic system album onto my iPod, and the wardrobe I would watch her get dressed at, before her Saturday morning class teaching ballet. ‘Those kids are so lucky’ I would think to myself, as I lay cocooned in her doublet-quilted duvet. But those pleasant memories are double edged…with each living long enough to become villainous.

-“You’re so f***ing annoying, I blocked you, your friends, and all your brothers from Facebook, then when I saw you working at the same fitness first I taught at, I changed jobs. Isn’t that clear enough?! I don’t even want to look at your face!” She yelled, all still while having her back to me, her head never turning away from the window that looked out to the driveway.

-“Yeah, but why? Why are you actin like a crazy b****? It’s been literally 10 years, how can you still have feelings for me?? Don’t say you don’t, coz you obviously do if you can’t even look me in the eye. Or, you really are just insane.” I voiced in exasperation.

-“urrrgh, but why do you still want to talk to me?? I obviously don’t want you in my life, so why the hell do you still want to be in it?? Only a crazy person wants to be friends with someone who hates them.”

-“But why do you f***ing hate me so much? What the F*** did I do? Yeah so I dumped you? And what?! Did I cheat on you? No! Did I F*** your best friend, No!”

-”BUT ALPHA, WHY DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?!” She repeated her sentiment vehemently. However, this time it penetrated my almost uncontrollable impulse to speak over her. The feeling was a strange yet familiar sting. I knew the answer, and always have. I hate the idea of someone not liking me…especially when I don’t know why. Do I have a compulsive need for people to like me? I’ve never thought so, but maybe this says different. Just then, I felt words escape my mouth on their own.

-“I’m a good person…why don’t you see that Clo…?”

-“You mean good like when you hit me…?”


Sometimes, there’s nothing left but pain.


To Be Continued…

By Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh

© Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc 2015. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Alpha Maurice Cidade Cauwenbergh – Storyteller, Poet & Intern at Wordsmith Inc with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.